Weekly Weirda: True Confessions of a Middle Seat Flyer

Some people are just born gifted. Some people sing like angels, other people dance with purpose and precision, and still others can perch casually atop those ergonomic blow-up balls for hours at end. I, however, croak like a frog, dance with graceless abandon, and have fallen onto corporate carpet twice when my multi-tasking abilities failed me.

However, I do have an arsenal of teeny tiny super useful traits that make me a delight when you are seated next to me on a flight — even in middle seat scenarios. Don’t believe me? Just watch:

Skinny shoulders: I come from a family of large, broad-shouldered humans, but somehow I managed to inherit skinny shoulders and poor posture. This means that the axes of where our shoulders ought to rub or our elbows ought to collide are minimal to none. Middle seat approved.

Short arms: Similar to the T-Rex in Toy Story, I have a big head and little arms, which minimizes my overall volume when occupying my plane seat. Similar to the above, middle seat approved.

I Don’t Drink Enough Water: Sleep on, friends in the aisle and middle seats, as I will certainly not be waking you up every hour to use the restroom. I’m probably shaving years off of my life, but at least it will work out in your favor. Middle AND window seat approved.

I Dislike Feet: As discussed in an earlier post, I am very skeptical of feet. Toes weird me out (in a not-good sort of way) and I’m germaphobic enough that mine will certainly never emerge on a plane. We have all heard the horror stories. Life approved.

I’m Mildly Allergic to Perfumes: In an interesting twist of fate (and in an extremely small and stuffy conference room), I learned last year that I can have a full-on allergic attack if someone with strong perfume/cologne smell is near me. This awful, eye-watering experience probably explains a lifelong aversion to any scent stronger than lingering shampoo or deodorant. Life impaired.

Skinny shoulders. Short arms. Low water intake. Aversion to feet. Mild allergy to strong scents. Who wouldn’t want to sit by me?

In plane terms, am I practically perfect in every way? Feel free to weigh in below.